Tomorrow is my birthday. There is nothing even remotely exciting about having birthdays at my age.
I feel particularly negative about this birthday because I am feeling particularly negative about my life.
Oh, my life really is great in so many ways. I have the most amazing kids, who I love so much more than I ever thought it possible to love anyone or anything. They make me proud every day, and I feel so increbibly luck to have them, every day. I have a great husband, who is a great father, who I love very much, and I think our marriage is strong, although I wish it were more romantic. I could not ask for more.
I love our house, and the lives we are making for ourselves in our town. Four years ago, I could not imagine anything worse than having to move out of NYC to the suburbs. Much to my surprise, I don't miss living in NYC at all, and if I won the Mega Millions drawing, I would not move back. When we thought about moving out of the city, we always thought that some day we'd move back if we could afford a spacious-enough home. When I have my not-infrequent fantasies about winning the lottery, I no longer ever think about buying a place in the city. It took me a while to realize that it really no longer held any appeal for me.
Our life in our little neighborhood is nearly perfect, at least as far as the kids go. There are lots of kids in our neighborhood who are the same ages as our kids. We have new neighbors across the street, and our kids are always running back and forth to each other's houses. And lately they have been playing with the kids next door, too. Yesterday, a big gang of kids were playing in the next door neighbor's yard, and playing in the loft in their garage, which they called their club house. I could not ask for anything more for my kids. It brings back memories of my own youth, hanging out on my block with all my friends through the long, lazy summers. They would not have this in NYC. Sure, they would have other things, like weekly trips to the Natural History Museum, but we do live less than 20 miles from the city, so it isn't as if they will never go there, although we go far less often than I had thought we would.
I love our house. But it is such a money pit, and we have so much work to do on it, and so much furniture, artwork, light fixtures, window treatments, etc. still to buy for it after two years, not to mention landscaping, hardscaping, and just regular maintenance. There is never enough money. And I am so tired of my job, my career, my profession that I almost can't stand it for one more minute. My husband's company is doing really well, so maybe there is light at the end of the tunnel for me, but the tunnel is very long, even if things continue to go well, it will be a very long time until I get to the end of that tunnel, unless we want to give up the house, summer camp for the kids, etc. And I don't want to give those things up. And sometimes, particularly the night before my birthday, I see my life passing me by.
Because here I am in the office on a Sunday, where I have been all day, overwhelmed with the amount of work I have to do, and the pressure I am under, and so bored with what I am doing, and so overwhelmed, that it takes longer than it should to get things done. And I wonder how much more I can take, and whether anything is worth this.
Sure, I have good days. Friday was very busy, but the day went quickly, and things went well, and I managed to get everything done in time to get home for my husband's little birthday party. But I am tired, I don't want to be here, and I have no choice really.
This has been an awful year at work. Between the bar exam, and the big writing project, and the need to make up billable hours because of those two things, I have spent a huge amount of time in the office, and I'm worn out. And I see no light at the end of this tunnel. The only way to change things here, I think, is to leave here. If I could find a job that paid even half of what I am making here, for normal hours, I would consider it. But despite looking, I haven't come up with anything like that. I am trapped. I saw a reasonably interesting job listing today, for a job that pays 25% of what I am currently making. Maybe some day we could afford that, but not yet. And I am getting older and older, and it will be harder and harder for me to find a new job.
And having so few options makes me feel old. And I never used to feel old.
But I have to focus on all the many things I have to be grateful for, and I have to remember that, as trapped as I feel, I am where I am by choice. We could move to a more modest home, take more modest vacations, etc., and get by on a lot less. My mother worked hard her whole life just to put food on the table. But knowing that I have chosen this life doesn't make me any less tired.
So I'm going to stop whining, and start writing, and finish my brief and go home. And I'm sure by the time I leave here, it really will be my birthday. So happy birthday to me.
