Patting myself on the back

Right after I took the bar exam, I had days of obsessing about all the mistakes I'd made, the things I'd left out, the things I wanted to do over.  I would try and figure out how many points I might have gotten on each essay, and I always seemed to fall short of passing.  I felt awful.  I lost a lot of sleep.  Then I mostly put it out of my mind, with the occasional flare-up of panic, but it was always there, hovering.  I wisely kept my mouth shut at work, on my husband's advice, and didn't go around telling everyone I was sure I had failed.  Because then even if, as it turned out, I passed, people might have had this failure-y feeling about me.  The last few weeks, as the wait has gotten shorter, I've been thinking about it a lot, worrying more, and losing sleep over it again.  I was up for hours in the middle of the night the other night obsessing.  So it was a HUGE relief when I found out I passed today. 

I got a handful of congratulatory emails at work (mostly from very junior lawyers who remember what it is like to take the bar exam), and my colleagues here in this office congratulated me, but not with great enthusiasm.  Mostly they said things like "well, duh, of course you passed," "was there ever any doubt that you passed?"  Nice, I guess, that they had so much confidence in me, but it really took away from my feeling of accomplishment today.  Even my husband told me he never had any doubt that I had passed, although he wisely didn't say that to me too often, because I know I would have gotten annoyed at him.  Not because I wanted him to think I failed, but because I would not have wanted to think that my anxiety in waiting for the results was somehow invalid, or fake.  I was not fake worried that I had failed.  I was honestly worried that I had failed.

I was so happy and excited today, and mostly everyone else barely looked up from their desk to offer their congratulations.  I felt sort of silly being all giddy about it.  And no one else at my firm, or even anyone I knew, took the bar exam in February, so there was no one to talk to about it, no one to share my relief. 

I've even been searching to find a blog discussing the results of the NJ Bar Exam, and I haven't found even one.  It is as if no one knows the results are out except me.  I feel very lonely.  I wish I had the name and email address of the few people I actually spoke to at PMBR, or at the bar exam.  I'd love to know whether they passed. 

When I took the bar exam the first time, there were lots and lots of us all waiting for our results together.  The entire first year class at my firm all found out the same day, and there was electricity in the air as each person found out whether they had passed or failed.  In those ancient times, there were no websites.  We had to find out by telephone, or wait to get the results in the mail.  And the phone lines were busy all day the day the results came out, so we all just kept hitting re-dial.  I think that I did not manage to get through until mid-afternoon, the lines were so busy.  I remember being stunned when a human voice actually answered.  Rumors were running around the office -- Jeff passed, Doris failed.  Two of my class of about 10 failed, including my office mate.  She had decided not to find out at work.  She wanted to get the news in the privacy of her own home, in writing.  She probably had a pretty good idea what the outcome would be.  I've always felt bad about what I did. When I finally got through after dialing for hours and hours, and not doing a stitch of work, and found out I had passed, I asked the guy on the phone -- an actual person read the results over the phone -- if he could look up another result.  I held the phone, and asked my office mate if she wanted to find out.  She very reluctantly said "okay" so I handed her the phone.  I could tell by her face as she listened to him that she had failed, and I had made her find out at work.  I was sooo sorry.  It was very awkward; I was getting congratulatory calls and visits, and she had to listen to that all that day and the next.  She took the news with incredible grace.  She passed the next try.   

Anyway, there was a big group of us all buzzing about the results, most of of us happy.  People at the firm were very excited for us.  I got huge flowers from my cousin, who is also a lawyer, lots of phone calls.  It was treated as a VERY BIG DEAL. 

Here, when the bar results come out for the first year class, there is a big buzz of excitement, usually a big celebratory lunch, an email to the entire firm (at least someone did that for me today) and lots of giddiness. 

I got no giddiness.

I'm kind of hoping my husband does something cool for me tomorrow (I worked late tonight, so never saw him) but I'm not counting on it.    

It may not be a big deal to anyone here, but it is a VERY BIG DEAL to me, and I am proud of myself.  So there. 

Comments

[Nicole]

I am just now catching up on blogs now that finals are finished for my second year of law school. Congrats, my friend!! I hope to be enjoying the same in about 1 1/2 years too.

[Aurelia]

You deserve to feel good. If no one else recognizea what abig accomplishment this is, then celebrate yourself! Buy something nice for yourself, like a special thing you've wanted for ages.

[MotherLawyer]

YEAH! I had a feeling you were being too hard on yourself:)

Congratulations, that is a very big accomplishment and you should be unashamedly proud of yourself!