Natalie died, and I've been very weepy since I heard. I wrote about Natalie once before. She's a woman I "knew" from inciid, which was the infertility site I visited many times a day when I was going through infertility, and then pregnancy and parenting. Her daughter was born August 22, 2001, my son was born just a few days later. Then later she had twins just a few months before I did.
She was diagnosed with breast cancer in the summer of 2005, and she died yesterday.
I never met her. I'm not sure if we ever even exchanged off-line e-mails. But I am just devastated at her death.
I know what it is like to lose a parent at that age -- I was 5 when my father died. And I know how desperately my children love me and need me at this stage of their lives. It just tears me up thinking about the pain they will suffer, and the pain Natalie must have suffered when there was nothing she could do to stay with them. She fought so hard, but in the end, cancer won.
I have a lot of stresses in my life right now, many of them of my own making. I have a lot going on today that I need to focus on, and I can't spend my day weeping about a beautiful stranger and her family. So I thought I'd just get it out here and try and save it all to think about later. I am going to focus on my work so I can spend more time with my kids.
My son told me this morning that he wished I was like other mothers he knows who don't go to work. I said well, you are in school all day anyway while I am at work, but he said that he wishes that I could be home when he came home. I worked at home one day recently, and he was so excited when I greeted him at the door after school.
I have been working late all week, and they really do miss me when I am not there. It was much easier when they were younger, they didn't care as much. People want to stay hom when their kids are babies, but I think their need for us grows, not lessens, as they get older. I never used to want to stay home and not work, but more and more I wish I could. Of course, I may have no choice, as I worry about my job in this current atmosphere. So I have to remember that there would be a bright side to me losing my job, and that would be the extra time I get to spend with my kids.
It is absolutely heartbreaking that Natalie will never be there again when her kids come home from school.I hope Natalie got to say a beautiful goodbye to her beautiful children, but I know there are no words that could ever suffice.
Life is so cruel sometimes.